Monday, January 24, 2011

How to avoid a speeding ticket by driving your vehicle into a ditch

Yesterday afternoon I got pulled over for speeding.  Hasn't happened to me for a while; I've been good.  Driving alone in the car, I must have been in a daze of thought and my foot got a little heavy on the pedal... plus a car had just passed me and when that happens the suppressed racer in me can't help but speed up... but whatever, I digress.

I didn't even see the trooper until I noticed the lights flashing in my rearview mirror.  I half hoped that they weren't flashing for me, but I knew they were.  Being startled as I was, I tried to pull over too quickly, and I slid on the snow at the edge of the road and right off the road into the snow bank.  I tried to back out a little so I wouldn't look like such a fool, but it was no use; my tires were stuck on the lip of the road, and the snow was too slippery to get any traction on, and my Jeep was basically wedged into the snow bank.

One of the troopers came up to my window -- a young, nice looking guy.  "I am so stupid," I said with my most embarrassed and pitiful smile.  "I tried to pull over too fast and I slid into the bank and I'm stuck."

"Yeah, I saw that," he said laughing.

"And you know what else?  I don't have my license on me.  But I do have my registration."  I went digging for the papers.  "Was I speeding?"

"Yeah, we gotcha at 70."

"Oh man, I am so sorry.  I feel like such an idiot."

"Don't worry about it.  Let me take care of this and we'll get you out of here."

So he went back to his car and I proceeded to pray: "Dear Lord, please send me a little mercy.  Please let this statey's heart be as beautiful as his smile.  Please."  Then I tried again to dislodge my vehicle, but couldn't.

Finally he returned.  "Well the good news is, we're not giving you a speeding ticket, because we felt bad for you.  I just wrote you a ticket for having an obstructed plate because yours is dirty.  You won't get any points on your license or anything."

Phew.  Pheeeewwwww.  Seriously.  Speeding tickets are so expensive with the insurance premium hikes and whatnot.  So I thanked the officer profusely, and then he and his partner spent 20 minutes trying to push my car out of the ditch.  From the front, then the back, then the front.  Muddy snow from my tires spraying all over their uniforms.  I kept laughing and saying "thank you guys so much, you are sooooo nice."  But in the end, the edge of the pavement was too much for us so I called Herbie, who called Chuck of Chuck's Towing, who came to rescue me.  And thus my good fortune made my humiliation totally worth it.

Very important lesson learned: to avoid a speeding ticket when the cops are pulling you over, just drive your car into a snowbank or ditch or other hazard and then smile cutely and repeat over and over how dumb you are and the kindly officers will pity you and let you off.

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